Grief models give us the impression of a compartmentalised process, with a beginning, a middle and an end. This may convey a distorted image of reality, because the series of changes people go through in their grief are by definition erratic, fluid and shapeless.
Grief is subjective. Every person experiences grief differently. It cannot be measured or weighted. You can’t use a ruler or a fine scale to count how many units of pain or sadness you have today. It will only work for you, and the readings may be different every day or every hour. The words that one person uses to describe their feelings may not work for another.
Grief does not have a clear-cut shape. It is generally chaotic, messy and uncertain. Grief models can give us the impression that we are not grieving well because our feelings don’t fit into the model. Models look coherent and it is very likely that you might find it impossible to make sense of your emotions. Models are more like abstractions that attempt to describe what grief usually feels like, or like road maps that we use to find our way around on a previously unknown place. They are not meant to be prescriptive.
Our bodies have an inbuilt capacity to heal. Give yourself time and think about your environment. Think of ways you can help your body to do its job, take care of it as you would care of a loved one who is wounded. Eating healthy, cutting alcohol intake, resting, keeping a balanced routine, sticking to some daily habits, practicing gentle activity and surrounding yourself by people who care for you are beneficial ways of facilitating your internal healing process.
There are things you can control and things that you can’t. Sticking to the first ones will facilitate a grounding and reparative environment for you.